28 March 2010

on my heart

I am short on words here recently. My heart has been heavy in ways I am not sure I understand. I want to say I'm a bit "despondent" but not so much as to call it "depressed." I'm almost struggling, but not quite. There are several facets to what I am feeling and experiencing. I cannot decipher it all, but I feel that you are a group of ladies I hold dear and so I want to share the fragments I can see with you and ask you to pray with me and for me.

A small part is that friend I have been so burdened to pray for. No response, but occasional heaviness of heart to continue praying.

Another small part is that about the time I began exercising I began to feel more tired. I should have more energy, I realize. And I'm not pregnant (had that scare last week and it was negative...ahem...). I am not resting well, however, so that is probably the source of tiredness. I never feel rested, but neither am I tired enough to nap.

And then there is a small sense of foreboding deep inside right now. I cannot call it fear, for it's not. I cannot define it. I am not certain what is triggering it. Perhaps a preparing of my heart for something to come. I don't feel like there is death around the corner, but neither can I be sure. When my son began having nightmares about my dad dying, it was easy to fall into fear over that. It makes me want to "know" what lies ahead - but yet I don't really want to, nor need to.

As my brother said, it's my intuition. I know it is. And it aches fiercely at times.

And maybe there is just a heavy dose of anxiety mixed up in it all. I had a small biopsy done on a mole Friday. There is skin cancer on both sides of my family, so I am not naive as to what that means. She didn't seem overly worried. And there was only one that she felt to biopsy, which is good.

But I cannot shake the sense that the foreboding feeling is about me.

Friends, if you are so inclined, I covet your prayer right now - however you feel led to pray.


Hannah said...

I will definitely pray for you!

About the tiredness. If it's available in your area, you might consider looking into hormone balancing. Your hormones (including thyroid, iron, testosterone, adrenals and other things that affect energy) can be tested, and then anything that's low can be supplement with bioidentical hormones. Doing that has made a big difference for me, so that I'm not feeling constantly worn down all the time. It also enabled me to get off my antidepressants.

Just some food for thought. It's pretty common for women who have gone through years of childbearing and breastfeeding to be a little off balance.

Still, I'll pray.

kim said...

I will be praying for you Crystal. I'm so glad you asked.

Blessings, friend.

StephieAnne said...

I will be praying as well. I relate to those periods of "heaviness". Thank you for sharing....