20 January 2010

heart and soul

Remember in my delurking post where I mentioned that I bear my heart and soul on my blog? This is one of those.

I probably talked about this once upon a time, but as time goes on, the issue goes deeper. It's facebook. I know, I know, I could just unsubscribe to it, but I don't think that's the answer here.

See, I got on there thinking I'd "friend" a few of my "real" friends and let well enough alone. I was fine. Then I had a friend-frenzy and wondered why I didn't have enough friends. I mean, seriously, it was kinda silly. (You can laugh here...) I had a friend who got on long after me and racked up like 300 friends in a week or two. I was astounded. I still sit at 165. Happily. But, as her number surpassed my then 140ish (?) or so friends, I frantically dug around other people's lists to see who I knew well enough to want to friend. Like I said, feel free to laugh. Those days are long lost in the dust.

The thing is, I have found people I love dearly whom I had not spoken to in a decade or more. My heart is deep with those people. I have been in touch with them and found solace and love and healing and joy in that contact. Other friendships have grown into a bigger place in my heart. In that, facebook has been a wonder for me. There are more faces I hope to find some day. I love knowing how someone I care about is doing. It matters to me. Really matters. Being back in touch brings me so much joy.

Then, there are the myriad of names and faces I barely knew and hardly remember now. I could care less if they call me friend on this facebook thingy. It matters very little because they have never had a part of my heart or if they edged in on it, lost it long ago. Those names, I often just hide because, well, it matters not to me. (Then I feel bad when something pops up and I hear about it randomly and I think, maybe I should have been keeping tabs? Argh!)

And lastly are those names that while they are in my heart or have been once upon a time, they did not lose the edge, I still care deeply, and I'm very happy to have found them on facebook, but my heart feels so. . .so. . .help me with a word, here, people:

These are the friendships that shattered in youth, the lost flickers of love, the ones whose paths may not have taken the best turns, but still they matter to me. Waaaay deep down. I know, because when I find them, or they find me, I look to see what their lives are now - I care - then I agonize and ponder for a week or two over decisions long made, stands taken, and choices they have clearly traveled, even consequences they are facing. I ache with them, or for them, whatever the case may be. I still love these people of my heart. I know it is my opportunity to pray for them as well. And I believe that is part of the purpose in "seeing" them once more. I just need to remember that more often.

The thing is, I feel tired. Bone weary.
Tired of being pulled so many ways - up, down, all around - by these many faces on the book of internet connectivity. My heart is tired of aching, wondering and working to be appropriate. My mind is tired of trying to remember that any of those people on my "friend list" will be able to see any of my "status updates" at any given time. It's been a really long year in our home. This just feels like one more "thing." I wish I could delete the people I don't care enough about to bother making a comment, those that can't bother to be nice to me (oh, and there's the occasional "ignoring" of people whom I simply cannot tolerate to be in contact with - agony!), and simply not worry over propriety when I feel the need to check on someone.

In all, I find it peculiar to be in touch with so many facets of my life at one time. These are the fabric of my soul, the people who make up bits and pieces of who I have become and am still becoming.

(By the way, any of you who are my regular commenters, I consider my friend - and I would gladly call you so on facebook - and a few of you I do already.)


Mrs Lemon said...

no kidding - I've found that I've lost respect for some of my "friends" precisely because of the drama they stir up on facebook. so juvenile.

if we're not friends already, please friend me!

Hannah said...

I love and appreciate how honest you are.

For the most part, I find FB to be a positive addition, although I find I do it in spurts, some days on, some days off, which keeps it from being too addictive. There is at least one friend on there who has been choices I feel very sad about, and I don't like knowing about how they're drinking, etc. I guess at least it reminds me to pray for them.

I'm glad it helped you and me re-connect!

cjoy said...

Thakn you, Hannah - and yours is definitely among the reconnections I'm so thankful for!