loveliness

Early this week had some intense and stressful hours, but in contrast, I love a day full of happy surprises!

As I went to bed too late last night, I fully expected to have the horrible grogginess that usually awaits when Baby J demands to get up and greet his Daddy who is trying to get ready for work. Instead, I felt a bit more refreshed than usual (perhaps the opposite of a hangover from having a LOT of extra sleep the night before?).

Today, I needed to go to the store and purchase not one, not two, but three birthday gifts for Saturday - only one is for my daughter, the other two for friends of Little B. Of course, having Miss C in tow, I hesitate to shop for her since she is acutely aware of all things snuck into hiding in, on, and under buggies. Crazy pixie of a girl. Instead, Little B puked after breakfast (boo!). BUT...that just meant I put off the trip (hooray!). The bright side here is that he's able to haul himself to the toilet versus being held the entire time and puking all over me as Baby J did last Saturday.

Then, it got better - he didn't throw up any more at all, no sirree bob. He began to feel better and better. He even did some of his school work that I assigned. I haven't pushed the rest, but that moment is imminent (I'm on the computer and, well, he has to use it to do the rest of his work or there is no 39 Clues gaming time). I still didn't go to the store because I was uncertain of what to expect.

Today I also planned to decorate for Miss C's Fancy Nancy Tea Party that is scheduled for Saturday afternoon - that is not easy with a 2 year old underfoot. But, the more I do now, the less for last minute, right? I got a glittery set of letters spelling out "Tea Party" made and hung (I could fit limited letters...those were her preference). Paper chains are in progress, as are streamers and a vase of lollipops and paper flowers and a multitude of other "fancy accessories" that are required.

My husband called with word that it will be at the very least just over 2 months (and likely even longer) before we have need to move. I love extra time. I will use it to continue purging and preparing and being glad that I KNOW I will not have to move before April. (I really hate packing and moving...think I've mentioned that before...) Maybe, just maybe I'll get brave enough to have a garage sale when the weather warms a bit more. (I also have tentative plans for craigslist, but I'm a big chicken.)

A few minutes ago, I opened an unexpected envelope with a long overdue refund from Little B's many rounds of therapy. I expected a very tiny check. It was a very large check. I actually gasped so loudly my son asked what was wrong.

But my most favorite part of the day: I got a phone call from a very dear friend of many, many years...Little B was named for his family. He was calling to tell me his wife is expecting their first baby! I could not stop smiling. My heart is so happy! Life is good.

heart and soul

Remember in my delurking post where I mentioned that I bear my heart and soul on my blog? This is one of those.

I probably talked about this once upon a time, but as time goes on, the issue goes deeper. It's facebook. I know, I know, I could just unsubscribe to it, but I don't think that's the answer here.

See, I got on there thinking I'd "friend" a few of my "real" friends and let well enough alone. I was fine. Then I had a friend-frenzy and wondered why I didn't have enough friends. I mean, seriously, it was kinda silly. (You can laugh here...) I had a friend who got on long after me and racked up like 300 friends in a week or two. I was astounded. I still sit at 165. Happily. But, as her number surpassed my then 140ish (?) or so friends, I frantically dug around other people's lists to see who I knew well enough to want to friend. Like I said, feel free to laugh. Those days are long lost in the dust.

The thing is, I have found people I love dearly whom I had not spoken to in a decade or more. My heart is deep with those people. I have been in touch with them and found solace and love and healing and joy in that contact. Other friendships have grown into a bigger place in my heart. In that, facebook has been a wonder for me. There are more faces I hope to find some day. I love knowing how someone I care about is doing. It matters to me. Really matters. Being back in touch brings me so much joy.

Then, there are the myriad of names and faces I barely knew and hardly remember now. I could care less if they call me friend on this facebook thingy. It matters very little because they have never had a part of my heart or if they edged in on it, lost it long ago. Those names, I often just hide because, well, it matters not to me. (Then I feel bad when something pops up and I hear about it randomly and I think, maybe I should have been keeping tabs? Argh!)

And lastly are those names that while they are in my heart or have been once upon a time, they did not lose the edge, I still care deeply, and I'm very happy to have found them on facebook, but my heart feels so. . .so. . .help me with a word, here, people:

These are the friendships that shattered in youth, the lost flickers of love, the ones whose paths may not have taken the best turns, but still they matter to me. Waaaay deep down. I know, because when I find them, or they find me, I look to see what their lives are now - I care - then I agonize and ponder for a week or two over decisions long made, stands taken, and choices they have clearly traveled, even consequences they are facing. I ache with them, or for them, whatever the case may be. I still love these people of my heart. I know it is my opportunity to pray for them as well. And I believe that is part of the purpose in "seeing" them once more. I just need to remember that more often.

The thing is, I feel tired. Bone weary.
Tired of being pulled so many ways - up, down, all around - by these many faces on the book of internet connectivity. My heart is tired of aching, wondering and working to be appropriate. My mind is tired of trying to remember that any of those people on my "friend list" will be able to see any of my "status updates" at any given time. It's been a really long year in our home. This just feels like one more "thing." I wish I could delete the people I don't care enough about to bother making a comment, those that can't bother to be nice to me (oh, and there's the occasional "ignoring" of people whom I simply cannot tolerate to be in contact with - agony!), and simply not worry over propriety when I feel the need to check on someone.

In all, I find it peculiar to be in touch with so many facets of my life at one time. These are the fabric of my soul, the people who make up bits and pieces of who I have become and am still becoming.





(By the way, any of you who are my regular commenters, I consider my friend - and I would gladly call you so on facebook - and a few of you I do already.)

the power of no

Recently, I've been saying NO.

Like, unsubscribing to the myriad emails I do not need. All the travel ones, all the Disney ones, all the ones that have coupons I am unable to use. I have a separate email now for the coupon stuff I can use and any free stuff I want to get. Then, If I have no further use for the site, I UNSUBSCRIBE to it. This is not a perfect system. But, it's a work in progress. The effort to use coupons (that have to be printed) requires certain reminders and emails and stuff. (I find it a bit of a pain, to be frank.)

Also, I have been learning to NOT answer my phone when it just isn't a good time for me. If I need the escape (from kids or husband or myself), I grab it like a lifeline. But if not, I am working to walk away.

I am throwing things out a bit faster (like the Land's End catalog I don't have any reason to look through once, much less twice...and no need to savor the free shipping for something I already know I'm not buying), learning to see what I need versus what I don't. I am working to notch down the stress one tiny bit at a time, to purge with a heavier hand when we're done with something. It's these little things that are adding up one bit at a time.

I'm putting my foot down for me. My days are feeling a tiny bit less like a stuffed turkey (in spite of the still cluttered kitchen counters...maybe I'll get to those soon). I like it. And I want to get better at it.

delurking day

Okay, I've seen a few other blogs asking their readers to delurk...so I'm going to be a copy cat. This week or day (or whatever) is offically for delurking. I do not know how they know that. But it works for me.

I bear my heart and soul on here (when I get around to it at least), so if you are a reader, even just for today, please be so kind as to leave me a comment and let me know you stopped by.

Who are you?
Do I know you in real life, just in a virtual world, or not at all?
And while you're in the comment box, please tell me something about you....

Yes, I delurked/recommented on the blogs who asked. Therefore, I know if I can do it, you can surely do the same.

After that, go have a wonderous weekend!

it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to. . .

things NOT to do on your birthday:

-weigh yourself
-not shower so you have a bad hair day all day
-have a migraine
-try to nap in the living room surrounded by loud, cranky kids
-realize your facebook wall won't let anyone write on it
-take everyone to get your prescription refill, late in the day
-stay too long at the store
-agree to look at toys while at the store
-forget to run another rather urgent errand before heading home
-get home late for a fast dinner of canned soup and quesadillas
-still have a migraine hours after treating it
-realize you have not done nearly enough laundry in the past 3 days
-weigh yourself again


things that make even the birthday blues look brighter:

-remember how awesome last night's big family dinner was
-cozy up on the couch with a good book
-have mom's homemade enchiladas for lunch
-realize you actually got a bit more nap time than it felt like
-take migraine treatment of choice: 6 Motrin, icy Dr. Pepper, & Gardettos
-make Target your errand destination
-use gift card money on clearance toys for your kids' upcoming birthdays
-find birthday wishes on adjusted facebook wall (yes - pathetic - shut up)
-finally take a scalding hot shower
-and even shave your legs while you're in there
-put the kids to bed
-finish the last (and biggest piece) of the homemade chocolate cake
-watch the rest of Inkheart with your husband
-fall asleep knowing you spent the day with your most favorite people in the world

thankful thursday - baby j

Two years ago I was awake all night after an hour or two of restless "sleep" - pacing and rocking on all fours. Around 3am my mom arrived; John hustled me into the car and off we went. Before dawn lit the sky, I held pure joy in my arms.

Baby J is happiness personified. Everywhere we have gone for the past two years (except on the occasional trip where he's plumb tired of being out and fusses) people have asked if he's always this happy? Well...yes. He gets fussy if he wants something but he doesn't have a boatload of words yet, so who can blame him. He gets angry if he's gated out of the kitchen or kept out of my room (those areas are kept closed to his curious ways). But generally speaking - he is truly a happy little person.

And snuggly and delicious and warm and sweet and lovey and kissy...oh, the list goes on. I cannot believe it's been a whole two years since first I held him in my arms. How completely he belongs with us - in our hearts, in our home. How much he adores his big brother and sister.

He also gets into more things than my other two kids put together. He empties the bookshelves like Miss C used to do, but then he climbs onto them (and gets stuck). He likes to sneak into a bathroom and undo as much as he can in the 10 seconds it takes for me to realize he's missing again - turn on the tub, unroll the toilet paper, flush the potty, dump the q-tips . . . . or meander out with the plunger if it's handy. He's artistically managed to sneak crayons and pencils (colored and plain alike) onto my walls several times in the past few months. Recently, he managed to climb up onto the cabinet in the playroom that our bird is on - I found him sitting there, face to her cage talking (a few minutes before, he'd climbed on something to reach over and attempt to open her cage...).

There is a thrill for him in sneaking into Little B's room and grabbing a Lego piece for a trophy of accomplishment or making it to Miss C's room and trying to play with her myriad of Littlest Pet Shop toys or the toy computer. He moves faster than I can; I gave up trying to keep up with him long ago. And, oh, the delight he gets from his escapades! There are not words for the grins and squeals and joy that ooze from him!

Yesterday, I spent a bit of extra time on the couch loving on him. At one point, I was naming body parts, he was pointing them out. After a moment I noticed a dry booger in his nose and did a total mommy thing - I picked his nose. I mean, what else would I do? Make a big deal out of it and get a tissue? That takes too long. He was amused. And proceeded to try to pick my nose for me - full of giggles....

Happy Birthday my little Tiger!