02 September 2005

struggling

I am struggling so much right now.
I feel burned-out, overwhelmed, stressed, depressed and the list goes on. I am yelling with my frustration in ways I hate; I want to 'retire'--but, I'm a stay at home mom. Breaks rarely occur for me. I want and crave time alone. My poor husband actually has come home from work early once this week, and may do so again today, since I am struggling so badly with this.

We have been making plans for an upcoming vacation, but I hardly want to go anymore. Moms DO NOT get a vacation. My husband won't be at work, my kids will get to have a break from the norm....but me? I'll still change diapers, wake up at night, discipline and fix boo-boos. I'll still contend with Little B eating enough of his meal to earn a dessert, and breastfeed my daughter. I'll still be a 24 hour stay-with-kids mom...just not at home for a week. I swear, I wish I could send the three of them on vacation and take a week ALONE (or better yet, go on the vacation alone...). In my dreams. (And, I know I'd miss them.)

Don't get me wrong, I have good kids. I am just tired of deaf ears and strong wills. Both of which I used to be champions at. And still keep on reserve. I need to send my mom flowers, probably.

All this to say it's been a bad, bad week. I wish I was eating sugar. I deserve a nice, big chocolate dessert. Hmpht.

5 comments:

SlushTurtle said...

I went thru the same thing this week! It's hard to be a SAH mommy... especially when you don't get sugar. I mean, come on!

I have to go on a mission trip every year so I can leave my brat behind for a week (of course, I spend my entire trip thinking, talking, and weeping about him...).

cjoy said...

I do think I've dropped a couple pounds without sugar, so I suppose there's a hidden good in the mix, if only it cheered me up. haha!

sprinkle4 said...

I understand completely. That's why I sometimes hate going out anywhere. It's great for the kids and the husband but I still sit on edge wondering what they're gonna tear up, when they're going to start screaming or how much of a mess they're gonna make (my kids, not my husband...at least most of the time;))

But I wouldn't know how to act if they weren't there. Yep, I guess I do love 'em:)

Kassi said...

I totally hear you. On Tuesday I will be starting a full time job outside the home. I tried to do the SAHM thing for a year or so...and it is really really hard. I feel like a total failure, but I am also looking forward to having some help with getting my three year old under some form of structure...because I couldn't cut it.

Heidi said...

Ah, Mommy, I know. Vacations with little ones are just the regular work times ten in an entirely new setting. And it's generally not refreshing, you're right. The daily-ness of being a SAHM does take you to the end of yourself. And it comes in waves at times. And then the guilt(?) if you're away for an hour to get a little fresh air. You have stamina and grit, you just need, hmm, something, perhaps sleep? This too shall pass... or as David said, "Weeping lasts the night (translated I think it says infancy and early toddlerhood), but joy will come in the morning!" I'm saying a quick prayer for you right now. Blessings.