secrets

I prefer my privacy and close friends, not large crowds and a name splashed for many to see. Facebook is a trial to me (as I've mentioned before) and the idea that my blog could be found by people who scarcely know me is debilitating (and by the nature of this post itself, doubly so).

And yet, I am typically an open faced person with little left to secrecy. Lying is a pet peeve of mine and I feel my thoughts are an open book, written upon my face. As such, I frequently feel compelled to explain myself, leaving little mystery behind. (Of course, I've learned there can be quite a difference between telling someone what is going on externally versus internally; depends on the circumstance. It's an art, my friends.)

Oddly, those two aspects of who I am both go together and also repel one another. Forthrightness is much simpler with circumstance as opposed to intent. I don't mind babbling on and on about car repairs that have me stressed out and being worn out from hard months of homeschooling - those are my circumstance. But my feelings and dreams are much harder to admit aloud. Matters of the heart are far more personal.

I have wanted to share a secret for a while. But it's hard because it's my heart. It's something I'm doing, my outlet, my dream. Tending my dream is the easy part (some days anyhow); the hard part is admitting it to others. And yet that's why I'm posting today.

I'm writing a book.

Admitting it to those not already privy to the story has been a challenge to me, colored by a million different crayons....just a few of those colors:

• I'm probably not that amazing of a novelist; it's just a dream of mine and I'm overdue to follow it.
• I'm content writing and never publishing, though that bug is starting to bite me a little.
• Having someone read my book who knows me, but doesn't know me well, terrifies me - I'm not worried that they'll think I'm a poor writer; I'm afraid of the opinions they will create, the impressions my book would leave about me, based on what I choose to write.  

Truly? I love my story. And I'm working at not caring what someone else might think of it (an author on a writing blog I frequent mentioned needing tough skin....so I'm trying to grow some). I've sworn for nearly 20 years that if ever I happened to publish I would use a pseudonym. And I still might. But I'm working to not have a secret life and be open faced about my dream and what I'm doing. Of course, if it sits in my laptop forever more, unloved by the published world, I suppose none of this will be an issue.

I'm more than halfway through my first draft. I will finish it - of that I am sure. I am already anticipating my second draft and how much better it will be by then. I'm also beginning to see the seeds of another story pushing out from this one.

I've taken steps like joining a writer's association and following a few writing blogs. I can assure you they captivate me far more than the ones on parenting (I learned to throw out most of what I read on that topic long ago!), and even homeschooling.  I'm nervously considering attending a conference next year as well. This desire to write has pushed me for years. Now it's spilled onto paper and I cannot get enough.

The bottom line - I'm writing.
I am following my dreams.
(Whew....secret told.)

life in october

(So... I never had the guts to post my third pondering topic last month.  I'll save it in the draft folder in case I find that nudge someday.)

Autumn has begun.  It's fresh air, crunchy leaves and my wedding anniversary (15 years!) mark the beginning of my favorite season. This is the time of year I love to go outside and lay on the ground and just feel the earth beneath me, soaking in the loveliness around me.  It's the easiest time for me to be still and know God, even for just the moment at hand. Just to feel His presence in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me.

It also marks the beginning of Little B's seasonal struggles.  It seems he has different issues all year long, and they cycle consistently. This is when the days begin to get shorter, and his frustrations mount higher. Resistance to everything becomes his norm and my ability to cope falls through the floor. Arguing begins with rising and ends when his melatonin finally kicks in around 9pm. Or he swings from helium-like-high to the darkest shades of blue in the blink of an eye.

This drains the entire family and asking him to complete his homeschool day is practically impossible.  It spreads to Miss C who would then rather draw on her papers than write. It oozes over to the little ones who would rather be in another room and grow cranky from the grumps that pour over the house as the day drags on.

I am challenged to find new and creative ways to help my kids learn.  Every year I try to go farther "out of the box" and still help them grow and learn. I've spent weeks talking to the Lord about it and gradually I'm finding little ways to make changes. Since Little B does more with a routine and is the master of avoidance, it's truly a balancing act to get the things that need doing done and blend them with the easy things.

Anyone with creative learning ideas, do share!  I'll try to post on how it's going once in a while.  For now, I'm finding subjects (read: "electives") to enrich the enjoyment of learning without requiring lots of table time unless they want to....

So far, my list of ideas include:

Science Experiments (not per curriculum - just whatever strikes their fancy)
Languages (Little B listens while playing Legos, Miss C wants to learn...)
Music Appreciation (um...we'll see)
Reading (easy for Little B, less so for Miss C)
Cooking (anything and everything)
Walks, yoga, outdoors, skating, etc.
Nature Study (again, we'll see...though Miss C adores animals and bugs more than anything)
Art (again, Miss C's forte...though they all enjoy it)
Time Line of World History, fill it in as you read something (this stirred Little B's excitement!  LOL!)
Netflix documentaries
Educational apps on my iphone (need to find some GOOD ones!)

I'll give them a small chunk of time for the math and writing/phonics each day, and chores are a must.  But I want their heart not an all day argument....if they grow up to be bitter with a stellar degree, it would mean far less than if they love the Lord (and hopefully me) and are happy and have a job and life they're content with, whatever it is.

friendships

Some of the friends who make my life richer and more robust by their very existence live far away now - the ones I've known more than half my life and whose short, infrequent visits leave my cup full and running over.

When time and distance and life are the reason for not having time together, it's easy to think you've just lost touch, drifted away - it's nothing personal.  But when anticipation of a reunion fills you with delight, it's not a drifting away.  And when the friend gives you a hug, their words spilling out easily: "Why don't we live around the corner from each other?"  - it's then you know that you didn't imagine the invisible thread that's kept you connected in spite of rare phone calls, infrequent emails, thousands of miles.

This weekend was one of those times.

I am full, renewed, beyond words.

spectrum

I have about three possible posts circling my brain, wondering if there are enough words to go with the feelings to cause them to spill into my fingers and land on the keyboard.  I'm still not sure.  But I'll give it a try, offering each a space of time and a different posting this week....


In the last week, Little B asked me if I'd ever decided whether he was "autistic" or not.  (Some of you may recall that a couple years ago we discussed the likelihood of Asperger's with him.  It went over as well as withdrawing money from a negative bank account; a doctor retracted the suggestion of Asperger's and pushed him onward instead, leaving me mildly uncertain what to think).  So in response to this recent question, I deferred to the therapist or other doctor he sees.  Just that simple.  I also clarified that he's not autistic - but left most of what needed to be said to the professional.

Yesterday Little B asked the right person.  Who explained the spectrum, ascertained he was not on far end, and described the milder side, Asperger's.  She told him that she didn't always care to use such terms to describe people since everyone is different....I love and respect this, but I also think it's good to be able to embrace our individuality and be okay with it, label or no label. (I'm still learning to embrace my forever cluttered life - and be okay with inviting guests over whether their homes are cluttered and dusty or spotless...definite work in progress.)

She concluded by asking Little B what he thought of what she'd said.  He promptly said he believed he had Asperger's.  Her response was that while she agreed he exhibited many of the symptoms, it didn't mean it was conclusive.  He came away more accepting of having it than not, but being okay with it.  I'm relieved.

That, however, does not make it easier to live with him, or teach me how to be his mommy, or give me the compassion or balance needed at pivotal moments.  I'm still a major work in progress.

a new start

Two interviews; one offer.
Much prayer and consideration.
Peace.
One acceptance.
One resignation.

After more than fifteen years at a firm we once expected John would retire from, he is starting down a new path with a new firm.

This was hard for me - letting go of something that seemed permanently stable - but when His peace is so overwhelming, following is easier than ignoring.  Now, I'm excited and ready for all that lies ahead....

castles in the air

Last week, we finished our school year for 2011-2012.  And next week we begin again, according to my year-round rhythm of learning that keeps things sane in our house.  Fridays are still our day off, and the occasional week for holidays and having not gotten too far behind.

In the midst of filing my Declaration of Intent to homeschool again this year, I acknowledged the boringness of our school's name: "[Last name] Homeschool".  I was ready for a fresh start and a fresh outlook.  After much pondering (and encouragement from some facebook friends), I've found one that I like and a quote to go with it.  In theory, this will be printed and put in a place to remind us all that we're going the right direction....



Sandcastle Academy

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put the foundations over them."
-Henry David Thoreau

waiting

We are waiting right now.  

Waiting for possible changes, 

and hopeful changes, 

and potentially hurtful changes.

John has spent over 15 years at the same job, loyally, diligently working from an AutoCad technician all the way up (thorugh many years of school) to Licensed Professional Engineer.

The economy has swept us into it's painful downturn but still he has had consistent work; something I remain thankful for every single pay day.

Today, he had his second interview with a new company for a new job.  They have indicated an offer will be made within a week's time.

Mostly, I am at peace and feel excitement over what may come.  But then fear of the unknown rises up like high tide in a row boat and makes me sea sick.  I find my peace replaced with the anxiety of our needs being met - as though the Lord isn't completely in control, though I know when I calm down that He is.

When I remember that a friend was recently burdened to pray regarding our situation before I told her about this possibility, I know without a doubt He is orchestrating this above any thought I have.  When I hear a different, well-meaning friend talk about the ideal pay increase and what to shoot for, I have to remind myself that ideal on earth and ideal with God are often vastly different (as are the job descriptions of our respective husbands).

I also feel a sadness that there could be some family bridges burned in taking this new path.  Bridges we both spent years trying to build.  Walking a new direction could make it all crumble, which I know we don't want.

I've prayed and cried out for the Lord to provide an opportunity such as this one.  And yet, I don't want to force His hand.  I don't want him to say, "Fine; if you want it so much, I'll allow it....but with it comes another cost."  

I truly want His will.  

I want His way to be clear.  

I want to follow Him into a new direction or stay waiting with Him where He has us.

And so the waiting goes....