22 November 2009

thankfulness - His ways

I'm not sure who reads my blog and doesn't admit it...or if there are even such people out there. It makes me a little nervous because I have this friend whose wonderful blog I just finally had to comment on - and I know people who read it. Therefore I have a quaking fear of someone clicking "cjoy" and finding my blog and saying, "OMIGOSH ... I know her!" If that's you, please just 'fess up, 'kay? I'd feel better knowing who has found my private haven, even if my anonymity is gone. Thanks.

All that aside . . . or perhaps because of it, I have a post that makes me lose face. It shares the deep and the personal and for a while I could not pinpoint why it made me thankful or how to go about sharing it or even if I should. Today I knew how to go about it at last. Please, bear with me....

I've talked about how my husband's job has offered only decreases in pay for quite some time (40% is a pretty accurate number for the most part). I've told you some of the many issues in our home...
Regarding allergies, Miss C's alternative treatments are not covered by insurance; and I assure you our grocery bills are not pretty, even when I can find a stack of coupons (I'm the only one who has no dietary restriction).
Regarding my oldest, we've paid a lot lot lot on therapies for years now...much out of pocket or deductibles and co-pays by the fistful in spite of choosing the better insurance (which has been great for certain docs and referrals, etc).
There are too many things to list or explain. You get the idea, though.

Around the new year, we slowly had to stop paying on our credit cards. Yes, plural. And yes, it was high. Were we reckless? I don't believe so. Mostly it was to counter the cost of the medical and sometimes to help someone else. I cannot regret either of those choices. (And we paid faithfully for many years.)

I mentioned a few weeks back, when I "returned" to my blog, that there was a practical reason we're selling our house...it's called "can't afford it any more" - and we're attempting a short sale (means the mortgage company will take less than we owe just to get it off their hands). We've had it on the market nearly 3 months. We've shown it 3 times now. At a greatly reduced price. That's not exactly hopeful.

That said, we actually truly feel the Lord has led us to this point. In spite of the stress that should completely suck me under here, I cannot tell you how deeply the peace has carried us. We're even at a point where if we had NOT had debt, we'd be in a hole. The difference being that we'd probably have reduced our house payment by 2/3 and therefore not be able to sell and move where He so clearly wants us to go! Interesting how "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

We fully expect that at any time they could foreclose on us. Most days, as I said, this does not bother me at all. I know. Crazy. Especially when about 2 or so years ago, I was heard saying to my husband, "As long as we never lose our house...."

Now, I'm glad the Lord heard me say that and challenged me on it. I'm thankful he is stripping me of it. Truly, figuring out what to feed my family 3 meals a day, day after day, is much more stressful to me than losing my home. I loathe packing and never wanted to do it again. That is a bigger stress. Yes, it's very humbling and I don't want to share it with the world. But then again, I've had so much of that peace, and this sense of thankfulness...I could not quite pinpoint it until today, when I felt a little lower. The gray months of winter that lie ahead don't feel so promising. Then a song began to play in my head from many years ago...

His ways are higher than mine,
Much higher.

Higher, higher,
Much, much higher,
Higher, higher,
Much higher...

Isaiah 55:9
For as the heavens are higher than the earth
So My ways are higher than your ways,
And My thoughts higher than your thoughts.

Oh, how very thankful I am that my God's ways and thoughts are higher than mine.


Mrs Lemon said...

You are not alone. You do the best you can, save and scrimp where you can, and sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that it's better to be in a home of love with not a lot of things/cool snacks to eat than in a contentious home with plenty.

You will make it through this season.

cjoy said...

Thanks Mrs Lemon...I know that to be oh so true.

Hannah said...

Amen! Wow. What a testimony! I was just saying to Tim the other night that I do wonder if the Lord will ever transform me to the point that I no longer have anxiety over money. I'm not sure I have learned the lessons I was supposed to learn over the past 4 years of restriction. Oh Lord! Your post gives me hope.

Oh, and I love your disclaimer at the top. I am always itching to make people come out of the closet and stop lurking! LOL!