19 March 2005

"i'm glad she didn't go"

Tonight, after exhuastion-driven tears and arguments with our son, he was finally settled into bed and calm at long last. We were lying together, talking about things as he unwound. I make an effort to be particularly positive as he's about to fall asleep so as to encourage a better rest and better dreams. In the midst of this, Miss C was screaming downstairs with my husband, and I finally told him to bring her up so I could nurse her. She settled in happily, feet upon her brother's back. I asked him if that was okay, and he said he liked it. (He truly adores his new sister...and frequently makes comments such as "I'm glad we have a new baby now". What a great kid!) Suddenly, when I think maybe he's about to fall asleep, Little B says, "I'm glad she didn't go". Huh? I tensed and got a little short as I asked, "Go where; what are you talking about? I don't understand." To which he replies, "Nothing, I was just talking to myself. I meant that I'm glad she didn't die. That's all I was saying."

My heart nearly stopped. I could hardly bear it. I spoke reassuringly to him, saying we were glad, too, and that we were so happy each of them is a part of our family, etc...then I sat there with tears running down my face. We never told him that Miss C's life was ever in danger during her birth--only that she'd been stuck. And I believe we have all made efforts to be careful of what we say about her birth in front of him. It's almost as if he has a sixth sense. Of course, he also knows her name is from my grandmother who died nearly two years ago. Perhaps that was his association with death...he's made other remarks related to such. However, this was different. He was so specific and his word choice so not a four-year olds...it was hard to hear and I was instantly transported back to her birth...I did not know how serious her situation was at birth until it was all over. Yet, I experienced it tonight like I knew it as it happened. And my heart was bleeding.

How blessed I am to have my little girl to hold.
How blessed I am to have a little boy with such a tender heart.
I cannot fathom life without them.
Thank You Father...

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