24 May 2004

and so i wait

Last week, I began to notice I was not feeling myself. It creeped up on me, slowly occuring to me that perhaps I was pregnant. I was. Our delight was as sweet as when we found out about our pregnancy with B. Life was once again unfolding within me and in spite of a few doubts because of a very light test result, I knew deep within that yes, there is a baby growing inside of me.

And then, I began to have some mild complications, indicators of a miscarriage. This morning in particular. This week has become a watch and wait time. We are unsure what will happen, and many things could cause the symtoms. I am as tired this afternoon as I have been, and not overly emotional, but as my mother said, after many life experiences, you begin to put off your emotions until you know what you are dealing with exactly. I have a bit of trepidition, but no fear. I actually believe what I am experiencing is a good dose of peace. God is sovereign. And though this could be painful, I am assured that He is in control. I just trust Him. My mother even suggested that perhaps the Lord just wants a lot of prayer for this little life. It could be.

My son was asking this morning if there was still a baby in my tummy, and I told him I just didn't know, perhaps I'd been wrong; by the 3rd time he asked, I suggested he talk to Jesus about it. So, he stopped in the middle of the hallway and did just that. I'm unsure of his words, but I heard bits and pieces...after a moment, he looked at me and said, "There is". It touched me deeply and reassured me, almost like saying "everything is fine, don't worry". And perhaps that is part of my peaceful feeling today.

Currently, I am doing fine (as fine as a woman newly pregnant is allowed to feel!), with no signs of a miscarriage. I had blood drawn this morning, and will again in two days. They will compare the results to see if the hormones are increasing or decreasing. And so, in the meantime, I wait...

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