I'm still here - a tad more rested thanks to Bitsy finally cutting tooth #2 and a bit less frazzled thanks to a fabulous 10,000 lux light therapy lamp that Little B uses during breakfast/math with Daddy for 45 minutes each morning.  He craves it, loves it.  It's helped.  A lot.  Enough that my body feels like the massive elephant that was squeezing the life out of me decided to shift his weight a little and I can breathe again - even move a little.  I don't think he got up and left the room, and the light won't solve *every* issue at hand, but overall, yes, things are noticeably improved.  (And no, I did not pay $300 at Amazon, I found it much cheaper on ebay, thank you Lord!!)

I also decided to get that homeschool coaching from 7sisters.  I want to figure out how to balance the structure and routine required to keep Little B on track with the vast array of learning tools that are so appealing.  I want to figure out how to let him have structured time (math, geography, grammar, etc) and independent study time (among some other slightly more relaxed subjects, he's currently reading books about renewable resources, and not all from the kid's area at the library) - and what is reasonable to expect from him after he's studied a new topic.  How can I know he's learning, not just skimming the material (that can happen just as easily as an information overload with him) without a full blown melt down because he hates writing?  On a good day, he'd be happy to do it; on a bad day, watch out Mama!  I need to adjust things and find a better rhythm in our week, I think.  I get stuck in such a traditional curriculum rut and then everyone is burned out and the more creative learning I wanted to do gets left by the wayside.  I guess I don't trust that the phonics will be learned, the math understood. . . .  there are so many ways to homeschool that I don't get, and others that I think would be lovely.

I hope your week was good, each of my dear blogging friends. . . .

conundrums

Decisions.
Debating, arguing, listening, following, praying, reading, trying, failing, trying, wondering, deciding...

I'm worn out.

I do not want to follow my Lord on this topic.  I AM following, but my feelings are not there.  Yet.  (Feelings are not really the issue, here, though.)  I am obeying, because I'm sure I've had people wearing out their knees on my son's behalf and my heart is incapable of following through on my threats. Tomorrow is my self-imposed deadline.  But the decision is made perhaps because I have more fear of the backfire from making my son climb aboard a bus and leaving him open to lashing out at strangers than I do of failing at my efforts at home.

So, at least through the end of 2011 he will be here.  Plugging away with me.  I was persuaded that it was not fair to send him to school because of his behavior - definitely true, but what is fair?  Besides, I didn't say I was playing fair.

And it still remains: something has to drastically change or I cannot go on.
I challenged my Lord to make some changes and He did answer.  Not as completely as I wanted, nor as dramatically as I'd hoped. But I see some light and there is enough for me to muster through. The Lord definitely has his own agenda, and it clearly does not line up with what I was seeing in my mind's eye (ie, a windfall of money for private school or, even better, an exclusive tutor. . .)
Instead, He shed some light on some things to try to address:

1) - Seasonal Affective Disorder. I knew it by experience with my son, not by name.  And I see with some research that like the sensory issues and other needs, it clearly overlaps with the whole kit and caboodle of things he struggles through every day of every year.  A light box is apparently a great tool for this and I am currently researching how to go about finding the right one.  The doctor wasn't sure how to recommend one and essentially told me I could figure it out.  So, that is my first next step.  (If anyone knows anything, please do shed some light here!)

2) - Shaking it up.  I never completely figured out how to crawl out of my "school box" so to speak.  I have tried.  Valiantly.  I ask questions, I dream of doing it, I just never feel secure enough to carry through.  But for this to succeed, I have to figure it out.  I really do.  I feel lost, though.  I am not as far into unschooling as to let everything fly out the window, but I am very much into helping my son succeed.  And so far most of my ways are not working out as well as I'd like.  I have thoughts and ideas on it, but I think it's time for a week's vacation from our routines in order to figure some things out for myself.  I had truly hoped by now I'd have a better handle on this homeschool life.

3) - Taking a walk.  Twice a day would be best.  I need it.  My kids need it.  We need the exercise and the sunshine and the positive together time.  Regardless of the temperature (I draw the line at rain, however).  I am horrible at walking and outside time.  Horrible.  I am a homebody through and through and content to sip my coffee and gaze out a window and read a book.  I just am.  It's after 3pm now and my plan today was to walk before lunch.  I even have a good street for it.  Just failed.  If it wasn't the baby napping it was the growling bellies and then I effectively forgot.  Until now.  And now. . . other than writing this blog I have another excuse but still not a good one.  I desperately want to make this consistent.  I. Must. Do. It.

I think I need to take a week off and address some potential changes curriculum, expectations, routines, hopes, atmosphere (remember, we're still in un-packing mode and there is a lot I have not finished getting set up the way I'd like....life keeps getting in the way!)  I have some resources and thoughts and am even considering some "mentoring" that is available at 7sisters.  There is a pull to that direction for me.  I need back up in this.

That is where I am for today.  And right now, my kids are still waiting for a walk - perhaps that will be the best tool for doing it each day. . . . .

i give up

I think I'm about to quit.  Homeschooling, that is.
At least in part - only one child has been threatened with an appointment at the local elementary school (on Friday).  And I'm not bluffing and I don't care anymore.  Friday is my deadline for something to give.

My whole being is burned out right now.  And no, I cannot take a break - there is no break from the people who have me worn out, whether schooling or not.

I feel like a quitter - but I don't care.  And I'm not posting for moral support....just to say what is as it is.

I have had too many weeks, months - and now years - of incessant arguing over what I ask someone to do.  This year we've added a whiny voice to the mix and I'm a bit too preoccupied with the one who really gets belligerent to give her what she really needs and explain the work to her.  Hardly her fault.  But my patience is shredded by the time I can sit down at her desk.

Burned out?  Try a hollow cavern.

Here's the catch.  I'm getting angry at my God.
I completely believe my kids need to be homeschooled.  I do.  And I think He has asked me to do it.  I love so many parts of it and have such huge aspirations and dreams and . . . . the reality just crumbles like a sandcastle when the ocean waves close over it.  I have truly reached a point where  my responses to the attitudes are not what I want them to be.  It makes me sad.  And mad.  And angry.

I'm angry because I know this is the best option.  But I have poured out every single thing in my being for so long that there is nothing left.  Not a drop in the bucket.  There have been heart-rending times in the past year, and while that's not where we are today, it's still an uphill battle to an extreme.  It's not about getting the work done - that happens when he finally sits his tail in a chair and stops arguing - and he does it well. But the fighting beforehand about why we do certain subjects or how we do them or if we do them or whether it can be a half day or a day off or skip a subject - there is no end and it takes up my morning.  Even if I ignore it.  Or punish it.  Or send him out of the room.  And then the whole crew is miserable.

I'm angry because I need a break.  Not a mommy's night out (though they help a lot usually), and not even a mini-vacation (as phenomenal as that would be) - I need time with my almost-four year old who is getting in more and more mischief, and I'm guessing he needs the fighting to stop and a little more loving - something I'd be happy to offer if I wasn't about to crumble by lunch time.  I need time to snuggle my almost-one year old before her baby moments are gone forever.  I need time to be more hands-on with and explain math and phonics to my eager 1st grader.

I'm angry because I cannot figure out another option to keep him homeschooled without destroying our relationship permanently.  Because that's what I'm afraid of.  I'm afraid that in 8 years he will walk away and be so glad to never return.  I'm afraid I will ruin our relationship forever.  My mom mentioned that when he was little, we were so close. That drug my heart to my toes - I miss my little boy.  I'm not talking about the changes that will come with growing up - I'm worried about how he sees me.  When he yells he hates me, sometimes I think it's mutual and we both mean it.  Just for that moment.  My heart is breaking.

So I want to keep him here and homeschool him.  But I'm not willing to do it at the cost of our relationship and the detriment of the other kids - or my sanity.  It's not fair or acceptable for him to need 90% of me and the other people in the house split up the remaining 10%.  And I can't afford a tutor, or one of the supplemental options like Classical Conversations (that would require me 100% anyway), or the other places that have classes once a week even if they're cheap.

This leaves me challenging the Lord to find a solution that I cannot fathom.  Not a small one, not a temporary band-aid, not a patch - a real solution.  By Friday.  That is three small days.  I've told my son he needs to step it up - that he can change the outcome of Friday's decision with dramatic attitude adjustments.  So my child and my God - they are the only two people who can make me keep him home.  And I see him trying.  But it's not there yet.  His glass has been half empty his whole life.  I need it half full.

And I don't even want the public route.  It brings dread of all the teacher calls, the notes home, the millions of problems that always came up when we did this before.  I don't have energy for that any more than I do for this.  I feel like I lose regardless.  But maybe those few hours a day for my daughter will at least help her. 

No, I don't think it's right.  I think it could be an awful decision.  But I am past that.  I will forge ahead if something doesn't give (so feel free to pray - I'm in a pit and can't climb out).  Every single fiber of my being wants something to change so I don't have to follow through on Friday.  I cannot argue with him any more.  I can't.  It's been too much for too long - I know that partly it's a cycle that starts every single fall and gets deeper and worse until spring decides to peek around the corner.  But I cannot wait that out any more and it's depressing me.  I need it to change.  Now.

life unplugged

I have had a dozen posts in my head that never make it to the keyboard - I just can't find the time (and I just noticed almost as many in my draft folder!). But today the other day I read a post by Mommy Made Green called The Truth that made me want to post my own reality. So here it is.

I realize I am already fairly transparent, but the craziness of our life is what stops me from having so much blog time these days - so I thought I'd like to invite you over for just a glimpse of my day...

As you know, I now have four children - Bitsy is already 9 mos old and on the move; Baby J is no longer a baby, now well past the 3 1/2 year old mark and a blend of delicious smug grins and deep mischief that runs me ragged; Miss C is 6 1/2 and a blend of tomboy and feminine that I find wonderful and refreshing; Little B is 10 1/2 and not at all little any more, rather growing like a weed with a tender heart (and pre-puberty hitting me hard). I may need to rethink the boys' names on here soon!

And. I homeschool. Just the older two for now.

I cannot get Baby J to be still while I teach the others - pouring liquids is a favorite pastime for him (think entire water bottles on the new carpet kind of pouring liquids), and markers on things other than paper (I really thought he'd outgrown this!), messing with the computer buttons, coloring IF the book is in my lap, snuggling, talking and talking and talking, sneaking under desks for a myriad of reasons, wires being only one of them. A handful to be sure - but a charming one no doubt.

Bitsy is easier to work around with a few toys and nap time, though the new crawling thing is beginning to present a challenge. We now step on Cheerios all day long, hence a bigger need for vacuuming around here!

A day in my home is a day like no other - but I like to believe I'm not alone.

I begin our homeschool day in pj's with at least my 2nd cup of coffee in hand. More often than not I am still writing out the day's assignments in their spiral notebooks when 9am rolls around. I juggle the assignments and questions with the cries for attention from my younger ones. I battle the arguments of why we do certain subjects and the quieter whines of not wanting to do more phonics.

Laundry is usually in many stages in several rooms - piles (sometimes merged as one large pile) in the laundry area, sorters long forgotten because they are not so easy to reach now. There are at least 3 loads finally cleaned and dried waiting to be folded or already folded but knocked down thanks to my favorite mischief maker. My husband wore khakis on his day off this last weekend - when asked why, he told me none of jeans were clean. Oops.  (I have since remedied that problem.)

I use cloth diapers - but it's Luvs on her bottom right now because the laundry is behind (and Baby J's car seat cover is getting an overdue cleaning - the sour smell made it a priority). - but sometimes Luvs land on her bottom because the laundry is piled high and there are other things that take precedence. And sometimes you'll just find one or two of those lying around, having lost it's way to the diaper pail.  Or trash can depending on the day.

The dishes did get rotated today (and the day I initially tried to write this), but they are still piled up in the sink for the next round - sorry, I do not know how my grandmothers had so many kids with no dishwasher. I'm not as strong as they, perhaps. Oh, and if the wrong thing goes into the sink, we have tiny little ants that love to come and play.

Dinner plans go awry frequently at 3pm or 4pm when I suddenly realize that I forgot to put it in the crock-pot AGAIN (today, it made it in there before noon - but it was on the menu twice this week already). Instead, it's usually still in the freezer so crock-potting it no longer applies. Then I scramble to solve it or thaw it or hope someone will bring me Chinese food and make it all go away. (Usually I have to solve it and scrambled eggs frequent our dinner table.)

Vacuuming happens a little more right now since Bitsy has earned a new nickname - Shark. AKA Hoover. She really does try to keep the paper off the floor for me. And pennies (seriously, the floor was clear in that room - where did it come from??).  {Oh, and little side note: I really do call her Bitsy.  All the time.}

Mopping is a chore I cannot find time for - I hand-mop the bathroom floor right around the commode on a very regular basis because I have a three year old boy.  Enough said my friends.  My kitchen is much lower on the totem pole of necessary things to do - clean underwear ranks near the top.

I will say that having kids who are chore-aged is very helpful.  Between them the trash goes out, the dishwasher gets emptied, the bathroom counters get cleaned, certain floors get vacuumed. . .etc.  If they were not doing those things, I would buy stock in paper plates right now.  The good, sturdy quality ones.  And I promise that when I realize the ring around the toilet is getting noticeable, I clean it (within a couple days).  And the sheets - they've got a schedule to follow for when to come off the bed and get washed.  Not super obedient, those sheets, but we work at it.  Eventually, right?

Do you remember that we moved this summer? Then started our homeschool a few weeks later? Can you deduce what that implies? Yeah, we still have a lot of boxes stacked up. And shelves waiting to be attached to walls whenever my hubby has some time so I can unpack said boxes (lots of books in those boxes - the friends who help us move always comment.. . .).  I won't complain, though - the truth is we are so comfortable here that I know we'll get it done on the days off. (I LOVE the space God provided in this home!)

Speaking of days off, it is finally Friday!  I live for Friday - we never school unless someone asks to (Sometimes Miss C asks, I provide, she changes her mind, we move on).  It's my day off - to catch up on household chores like folding laundry, to lounge around, play Legos, read books, watch too much TV, vacuum again, and right now I'm longing for a nap.  And I may try for one since the middles are happy with Timmy Time and I'm happy they're happy.

And now, I am on my way again - there is some popcorn and a book in the other room that just called out to me.  Perhaps I'll doze there, too. . . .

Have a lovely weekend my friends.  I hope I make it back to visit soon. . .

two in one

I have two stories to tell. But really they are just one story...

Story #1
Back in February I took Little B to a birthday party for one of his best buddies. There were a handful of boys at the party and as we dropped our kids off, some of the moms were chatting in the (freezing cold) cul-de-sac while the kids ran and played. I met two or three women, but one stood out to me - probably because she has a peanut allergy and allergies are notable to me for some odd reason. She was very friendly and I've heard that her son is a nice kid (albeit a tad older) - that means my son didn't have any struggles with him even though they weren't instant soul-mates.

Story #2
In Mayish - or early June perhaps - I was at the grocery store alone (well, Bitsy was with me, so almost alone) while my husband put the other kids to bed. Not entirely uncommon for me, I began chatting with a lady who was shopping in the natural foods aisle - she noted my coconut milk which led to another one of those allergy conversations that seem to follow me around (ironically, this post is actually not about allergies). They were chatty and I'm chatty and so, well, we chatted for a bit.


2 Stories in 1
A little over a week ago I was having a Girl's Night Out with the mom whose son had the party in Story #1. I started to tell her the details of the house we're moving to next month (cause I'm very happily consumed with it right now) and how the landlord told us there is a homeschooling family across the street with three boys. I tried to describe where the neighborhood is located and she told me she has a friend on that street...with three boys...who homeschool. . .yeah, the peanut allergy lady I mentioned above! Believers, homeschoolers, boys, friendly. Wow! I don't need to them be our best friends, I just need nice neighbors, you know? I thought it was so cool. And by telling Little B that he'd actually met one of the kids before, his anxiety about what they were like and meeting them instantly melted away.

Then, this past weekend I sold and shopped at a consignment sale in my small town and ran into the grocery store acquaintance from Story #2. I mentioned that I remembered meeting her and where, and she said she'd been trying to figure out why she thought she knew me - one of those conversation starters. As we talked for a few minutes and a total God-thing happened. . .it turns out she will be my next-door neighbor in a few weeks. A believer, a kind neighbor. . .again - wow.


I am blown away. How long does it often take to get to know your neighbors? And how completely unreal to meet them randomly before you move in? Two of them, at that.

When we found this house, the timing was impeccable. We had not considered moving until a few days prior. The owner thought it had already been listed by his wife or it would have been gone in a heartbeat. Before we saw it, we felt we would move there. When we did see it, we just knew God had it set aside. I have since told my husband that I almost feel our stay in this tiny house has simply been a waiting period for the next one to be available for us. The street is pleasant, quiet and friendly. Only the Lord could possible arrange things like this. It feels like home to us and we cannot wait to move in. Did I mention I can't wait?!

here we go loop-dee-loo

So.
We're going to move.
AGAIN.
As in - "already!?" I have an easy 16+ bins and boxes that never truly unpacked themselves. . . I kept waiting but no, they are still full. Perhaps emptied and immediately reorganized and refilled in the past year, but not truly left empty. I also have boxes or plastic bins that are open on top and accessible like a shelf (stacked on top of unopened ones) or spilled out into the still-not-really-usable homeschool corner while I find snippets of time to sort them. I suppose the bright side is that my packing is that much further under way.

This house has been a like a transition place for us - as I told my husband, I feel like we've gone through a fire and now we've entered a time of re-growth.

In this transition we have had to ask the owners of this very small, oddly designed farm house circa 1977 to replace the water heater, repair plumbing, fix the kitchen sink once and replace it twice. Being all electric the bill stays relatively consistent - and exorbitantly high. Turns out we had two massive tears in the air ducts that they finally fixed. I cannot wait to see how the bill looks for June's usage. Truly. It should be a breath of fresh air in comparison.

Once we realized how much more we've paid in utilities this year, and got the feeling that bringing this house into a practical and more functional state was a pain for the them, we decided a slightly higher rent for a slightly larger house would work better since the utilities should be considerably cheaper than the past year here. As we began to pray about it, we found a house five-ish miles away, meeting so many of the needs on our heart - a large fenced in back yard, an enclosed 2-car garage for homeschooling, a real dining room, floors that aren't shakey or uneven, more space for the practical living needs of a family of six.

Again, peace took over and we plunged forward with giving our notice and plans to paint and thoughts for how to arrange our world in the new space. We are so excited, but a tiny part of me dreads the upheaval of packing, moving, and resettling. The anxieties of my son are surfacing in spades and I am in need of a gracious attitude and patience towards him.

Foremost in my heart is that the small neighborhood is cozy and gives a friendly yet protective air as you drive down the street. It's older enough to be settled and yet it has families with kids and even three homeschooled boys across the street. Hope rises in me, but I know that can go many directions. So I pray and hope and pray and wait. . .

(We'll have space for guests once more if anyone wants to visit! ;D )

grace

We took a loooong time to name Bitsy. As in we were down to the final weeks and I wanted to call her Lizzie Grace and my husband wanted to call her Samantha Joy and we were stuck at an impasse. (She is neither, as most of you probably know.) I wanted to name her Grace because we had been through so much last year and my heart felt that we were headed into a year of grace.

As a sweet song I know says, "Grace is simply God Himself, to be our enjoyment" - I am experiencing the enjoyment of my Lord and of my family to depths I have not in a long time. I see and feel His grace in the little things, the big things, the important things, and the insignificant things. I feel completely covered, like an annointing oil poured out upon us, grace has simply poured out over our family.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I wrote this back in April....and never finished tweaking it to post...that's how busy my life is right now! I have edited and deleted from the above because things keep moving on, the details get lost in time, and things don't make sense when the baby has grown and isn't the age I referenced any more - but what I said is true.

I will be painfully honest, though, and tell you that while I am still experiencing much grace, I am in a hard place personally right now as well. On Sunday we were singing a hymn that touched me deeply....part of the second verse is goes like this:

"What He is: He's the river.
He's the mighty flowing river.
He waters me in a desert land.
He's my hiding place. . ."

This is my exact my experience right now. I have to admit that He feels a bit more like a trickle or small stream much of the day, but He is watering me in my desert land right now. With Himself, with His grace. I told my mom today that sometimes when I pray, I cannot even find words, I simply feel. And yet He is hiding me and His grace still pours over me....