the line

My heart crossed a line today.
A tough line.

But the peace that comes with that crossing is better than where I've been sitting. My spirit has been under construction and while the work is never complete, let's just say a new phase as begun.

The week before my husband's office typically gives raises, he was asked to transfer to one of their two, smaller remote locations. This office is over an hour from our home, but only has about five people. It came with significantly increased responsibility and he was the number one choice among managers to go and get it running smoothly. Quite a compliment.

The first question thrown at me by friends was, "Will you move to College Town?" "NO," came my emphatic answer, needing no thought--we moved where we are planning to stay forever, having hand-picked the school and town and whatnot.

A couple days later, 15 people had to be laid off, people this company hated to part with and most they would willingly hire back when things change -- their work is in civil engineering, which is suffering severely since NO ONE is building anything. Residential went dry a year ago, at which time my husband found himself doing commercial work. When the last of those deadlines were met a few weeks back, he said that suddenly there were lost-looking people milling around the office. Not good.

And on Friday of that week, there was an employee meeting in which they announced company-wide pay cuts (remember this should have been the week before raises showed up!) and requested that hours be kept to 40 unless specific need arose (unlike most places, this company pays hourly, something that has always been a blessing). In every way, that became a severe cut for us.

Ouch.

As in, we're reeling in the pain of it. Making plans for if it all goes down around us. (Changing jobs is not an option. There is no time for a second job. And if I got a job, well, a thousand reasons for that not working, one of which I nurse.)

And thus began a deep reworking in the recesses of my heart. That weekend, we looked at each other and said, "God wants us to to go to College Town, doesn't He?"

My being rebelled deep within. I moved so much as a kid that my heart was glued to this house for at least another 20 years. No kidding. The very thought of packing boxes makes me want to hurl. It didn't even matter that we are clear that the place we are to fellowship on Lord's Day is also in College Town--and we've known that for a while. I keep saying we'll just make the drive, but that's not realistic in the least, especially with three little people. I love the schools we carefully hand-picked for our kids to go to until they graduate. I love our house. I know we moved here with absolute peace that we were in the right place. But these are such outward things. And it was time to re-evaluate my priorities.

In these few weeks, my husband has been given gas compensation (in addition to the pay and hour cut, he is now putting 2.5 times the gas into his car...not pretty!). That was sweet relief. He has become more relaxed than I've ever seen him; the office is smaller and the tension significantly less. Also in those weeks, we've been opening our hearts, working at willingness, praying, listening, considering. I began to realize that yes, this is probably where we're headed--though it hurt to even consider.

Yesterday, my husband spent the day at the main office, taking care of a client meeting, updating the management on how things are going, etc. At one point, they told him they were working to find someone to fill that spot since it was never their intent to burden him with a long commute. Unless he was willing to move. . .

His initial answer was "no", since we don't feel to go at this moment and we just hadn't known if this was even permanent--we had not known what kind of decisions to be making. Too, he won't say "yes" without checking with me first. But that was pivotal to me. I realized that if we/I maintained an unwillingness to follow the Lord to College Town, He would leave me be -- but I would lose an opportunity to follow Him and gain Him. And so, even if we deal with a long commute for another year (something tells me NO ONE is buying houses at the moment), then move, I realized we needed to let them know we are willing to move if necessary. We cannot shut a door the Lord was prodding us toward.

Today, I was chatting with a friend who had not heard about all of this, and when she said she was trying to sell her house, my instant response was, "I think we're going to move to College Town."

In that moment, my heart crossed the line.

I'm okay going. Emotional. But okay with it.

Tonight, my husband spoke with the owner (also a family member) to clarify our feelings on the matter--that he loves the office, wants to stay there and we have other reasons to consider moving there. His uncle said there is no one he'd rather have in that position, and it's a great place to live. And so it's officially a permanent relocation (whether or not we move, technically, since that would just be our personal choice).

When and how and so many details, I do not know.
This year, next year, I do not know.
If things will continue to change, I do not know.


But where my heart stands, I do know.